Today I had several conversations that had me coming back to the same thought..."what the hell?" Sometimes I wonder if there is a slight film around all things "normal" to kind of put people off and make us all confused and crazy as hell. I am sorry for the curse words...no, actually I'm not sorry. I'm angry and maybe I'll be sorry later, but not now.
It all started maybe some 28 years ago, when I was born. I think I was born with a pretty strong intutition. I feel soooo strongly (about everything) and I can tell how other people are feeling and even how they percieve certain things. Like I am always "ON" - always exerting energy trying to smooth out others' feelings and leaving my own neglected (this just makes you (me) bitter). Really, isn't this conceded - like who am I to believe my decisions can affect you! I THOUGHT I believed people have choice and can make their own decisions. I mean - no matter my reaction and decision, people still have choice to react or act how they choose...RIGHT?? hmmmmmmm
Lately, I just rediscovered how low-self esteem can truly steam-roll a person. Here's my truth, I'm leaving the HYPE BEHIND...In life, when one is unable to make a decsion for themself, and when they CHOOSE -because of their strong "intitution" (or whatever) to make every friggin decision BASED on what someone else is feeling because they (me) for some reason doesn't feel worthy to decide truly what they (I) want is CRAZY as HELL! Obviously as you read this, you may be thinking...huh? (Read that last sentence 3 times...I think it will help). And yes...it's so hard to articulate. Honestly, because it's annoying and embarrassing that someone (me) thinks it is selfish to make decisions without thinking about other people. I mean isn't it okay to make a decision on something based on what you (I) want? When does it become selfish to ONLY make decisions on what you want AND when does it become selfish to only make decisions on what OTHERS want...?
Wow - anyone follow me?? I need your comments.
I've been struggling with being "on" all the time too. I wrote about it today, and it was interesting to come to your blog and see something similar.
ReplyDeleteI've found recently that the list of what you can do for others, the list of how others are affected by your actions (or inaction) is endless.
I think its problematic to be at either extremes (only caring about yourself or others), but the line in the middle starts for me when I think about whether my decision is going to seriously cause harm to me or others. That isn't the only factor, but a start.
I know I depend on the kindness of others to make sure I don't permanently reside on the back burner, and its a struggle to find balance.