Have you ever WEPT while SMILING :)?

Have you ever wept while smiling?  This afternoon I found it impossible to separate these emotions - pride and sense of deep desperation.  Unfortunately now, I feel a deep rage.  An anger for humanity and the suffering of so many innocent young.  While teaching/counseling on the Southside of Chicago, the marginalization and pains that derive from poverty and hopelessness was a norm.  Now, working in a different city, I find that those norms aren't so normal anymore.  The realities that I saw and encountered with so many extraordiary young people aren't so normal...they are super UNnormal...super ridiculous, that most probably won't believe. And most incredibly, these young people who went through such super UNnorms are perserving.  They survived, they are surviving...

I've had a student deficate in his chair and sit in it for 90 minutes because he was traumatized and abused so he was too afraid to tell me.  I only noticed as he left when the bell rang...unfortnately the disgusting smell was normal on a daily basis and only after a meeting with the parents because I had to report abuse (because of his hygiene) did I realize the enormity of the abuse.  I had a student who in the past brought 7 knives to school for being bullied...rape, beatings, homelessness, hunger, robberies, drugs, gangs...I mean the whole 9! These issues weren't young people mad about allowances, or not getting a car...in many instances these issues were life or death.  I was just a bystander...and now I understand why I don't truly understand, and why so many others just won't EVER get it....

Today, I found my inspiration again and I found an answer in a sort of way -  I had a mentor meeting with a student today that started off having me confused.  I didn't know where she was going but I've learned that listening allows students the space they need...so just LISTEN...I was listening, but in my head I was also thinking..."hmmmmm those cookies on the table look delicious...I want one, oh but I shouldn't...okay resist lydia...focus..." and then I was yanked back to reality as I heard her say, "I tried to explain to my teacher and classmates that they don't understand...they may understand my words, but they don't truly understand."  Goosebumps formed on my arms and legs and she continued speaking about having to sleep in shelters, and churches, and how she has a fear and deep hatred and fear of laundry mats and she will NEVER enter one again.  I heard her speak of the welts and degrading words thrown at her daily and constantly....and all the while, I hear her speak of hope and lessons learned and how she is changing her destiny, and how she is proud to mentor her younger sister...I heard her speak of abuse at it's worse and then hope in the darkest times. And yet I see her eyes light up as she speaks of her grades and her pride in working hard and to her fullest.  In my head I kept repeating, they may understand my words, but they don't truly understand.  This young woman made me weep as I smiled.

Today, I am truly inspired and grateful.  I'm angry and heaving. I'm sad and frustrated.  Today I see my purpose again.  I understand that no matter how bad I have it, I can only understand the words...and I need to wake up and understand that sometimes that's all I can understand. I need to recognize my limitations and use this to reflect and grow, use this to help me become better at my mission...  To walk in the shoes of the truly marginalized is impossible at best. I've learned so much from my kiddos.  Thanks again. They may understand my words, but they don't truly understand.