He is human. He is wounded.

Yesterday, I watched Iyanla Fix my Life...it was a rerun, the one with DMX (Dark Man X).  I'm at a loss for words...but not really, words usually find their way out of my mouth. :) 

Basically, DMX a father completely gone on drugs...I mean he looked TURRIBLE..he had the shakes, his eyes all everywhere, unable to complete a sentence, very defensive and just not in a good state...asked Iyanla to help him because he is addicted to women and sex...what we find out, which is obvious, is that he just really needs detox! (and of course there is much more going on in his life).  Being abandoned as a child (or so he feels) created a complicated and very wounded man.  He has been toxic to most of the relationships he has had or tried to form in his life.  He uses other's to "fill" him up with sex, drugs...or whatever, so he remains empty without those unhealthy things.   

On this episode, his eldest son, Xavier (in his early 20's) who hadn't had a relationship with DMX for 14 years came in to speak with him.  Obviously, he was angry with his father...I mean HELLO!  And he has every right to be angry...but Iyanla, who I adore really broke his situation down and I belive has been really healing for not only Xavier but for me.  Thanks girl!

Iyanla validated Xavier's feelings, but then compared his situation to that of a father with cancer.  She asked how Xavier would deal with a father who had cancer and was lashing out because of his pain...she spoke of DMX as a wounded man...one with a disease...a human who is imperfect with a past filled with hurt. 

Immediately, Xavier started crying.  He said he is rarely brought to tears...Iyanla said it was because he was finally feeling compassion for his father instead of hate and anger...ummmm powerful! Xavier finally got to a play to receive his father as he is...  What does Oprah say...an "ahaa moment..."

In dealing with my own father, I think my healing has begun, but will continue as I allow myself to see him as human - wounded.  The fear of reoccuring hurt is what is crippling a proactive approach to this relationship...and the anger of not having a dad during important developmental stages also pisses me off.  So there is a lot to work on...but I think I'm up for the challenge.  I think that in healing my perception of this situation, I will in turn start healing areas in my life I didn't even know needed healing.  I mean, I'm turning out alright as each year flies by, but I am always up for improvement!

I am so blessed to have a supportive family, in the form of my mom, uncles, aunts, grandparents, and friends... I am so blessed to have the love and support of men in my family...as many people don't have that influence at all!  So without the support of a traditional father....I can't complain.  I'm choosing to see how truly blessed I have been, what I do have, not what I don't. 

DMX and Xavier did not reconcile, DMX decided that drugs were more important than his son.  I guess the other thing I contemplated last night (with some help) is that I should not do this for my dad...I should do it for me.  If there is no reconcilation, so be it...I believe the healing is in the process and in my desire to accept and feel compassion for a very wounded father.  He is human.  He is wounded.  I can't wait to see how I heal in ways I didn't know I needed healing!